My Feelings after Loss

These are my current feelings. Often times months down the road I will find I have more clarity and understanding. For now this is my honest account. I've found comfort in other blogs with parents going through similar things. It's helped me not feel alone. I'm hoping I can do the same for others.

My advice and thoughts from our last experience I shared last year here It all still rings true.

A Party with no Balloons.

For many this type of loss is very hard to understand. A book the girls received explained this loss as being promised a birthday party, but showing up to find there are no balloons, no cake, no presents, no guests.
I've written this explanation before but its been the easiest way of illustrating this feeling.
Imagine you and your spouse having an opportunity to create your own custom home. This house would be a blend of their ideas and your ideas. When the building process begins you know it will be a lot of time and you will need to be patient. Lots of bumps can happen along the way, you know the kind. I can write out a whole list of analogies with pregnancy and home building. But during those months you and your spouse have chances to go and view the home during the different stages of building. Your kids may even have a chance. You can all clearly imagine life in that home. You see birthdays and Christmas's. You look forward to the memories you will have in this new stage of your life. While the home is being built there is a lot of scarifies and changes you make. Lots of money is spent preparing for the move. Packing, new furniture, appliances. You may need to change schools or even jobs. You put in a lot of labor, moving things around or getting rid of things that may not work in your new home. Lots of things are put on hold or even given up because they may not be able to continue after the move.
Then moving day is near. You are ready and prepared. Your family is so excited to start this new chapter together. Then suddenly you are told your funding didn't go through, or maybe a job is lost, or some other obstacle that prevents the move. It is sudden, it comes out of no where. The move simply won't happen. There is nothing you can do. You wonder if you made a choice that caused it, but nothing is clear. Suddenly you are back to the place you are months ago. But looking around there are obvious signs that you shouldn't be. You have to go on and unpack, try to put things back how they were, but it is very strange because you can never really go back and pretend this dream home didn't happen. The worst part is realizing those dreams you had won't happen in the time you thought. You are in shock because you were just there! Looking around each month at the home progressing. But now it's gone.
Since most of our friends have homes of there own or will eventually go through that process, it is easier to explain our loss in that way. Lots of work and sacrifices were made this past year in preparation for something new and great for our family. Suddenly we are thrown back to July of last year. It is as if these past several months were a waste. Like I sat around lazy doing nothing productive. It is such a weird feeling. This type of loss is all about having a clear image and certainty that this life will happen and dealing with the fact that it no longer will. In the home example, its hard to relate to those who are simply looking at homes. We can't relate to those who lost their home they lived in do to a disaster tearing it down. It is a very odd type of grief.

I've had multiple out of body experiences as our life shifts back to a routine. Helping the girls get ready for school. Going to the store. Taking a shower. The last time those things felt normal was a few weeks back when I was pregnant. While doing these normal day to day things again, I suddenly have a moment where it feels like I'm above my body looking down. I honestly have a split second where I see that image. It's like I see my life as a sad scene in a movie that doesn't feel real and yet makes me feel deep emotions. I feel like someone hit rewind. Like I had a dream that felt so real. It is so hard to explain. I was in a completely different state of mind just weeks, days before. Suddenly it just disappeared.

The million dollar question

How will they feel about my baby? My pregnancy?
One of the most brutal parts of grief is witnessing the world continuing on while yours has stopped. The last time with our son, I remembered feeling very hurt by those who had had miscarriages and treated me bad when I was pregnant. So I decided I didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable around me. That summer I went to 5 baby showers and saw friends in the hospital who delivered healthy babies. I thought if I didn't go it meant I wasn't a good friend. It was extremely hard at times, but I focused completely on everyone else. This had its advantages but also was salt on the wound at times. I learned then and it has become clear to me now that these feelings can't be avoided.
I will say this, if you are pregnant or have a newborn around the time a friend has had child loss, it is all up to your friend to chose how to except that fact.
The pain is already there. It cannot be avoided. I've had friends who I was pregnant with at the same time who's bellies I see growing while mine is deflating. For some reason our life has been a chain of hard pregnancies, births and loss. Something amazing is happening for you and it is not in any way something you should feel guilty for.
Sometimes people can do a bit of oversharing. Constancy treating me like I never lost a baby. They ask me for baby advice, or might casually ask me about warning signs saying they might be in trouble only to find it was just gas, all the while not realizing they had me talking about my hardest memory.
But then I can say that I hated being left out. There were friends or family who would tell everyone they were pregnant but me. I don't get it because I will know sooner or later so why hiding it will somehow make me feel good, by my family being isolated when we already feel alone is a good idea?
There were some who just wouldn't invite me to a baby shower deciding themselves that I wouldn't want to come. Or I would see friends received a birth announcement from a mutual friend and I didn't. Friends with babies just fell off the planet thinking the sight of their child's face could actually compete with the memory of mine. Infants remind me of something I lost and won't be experiencing like I thought. But I know that no infant can replace my loss either. If that makes sense?
So in the end the etiquette and empathy in this case would be to always, always include me but let me decide if I want to participate or not. Never be offended if I am not strong enough to be there. Don't feel I have any dislike towards your baby if I don't have the strength to hold them. During this past month I've had at least two friends or family members a week either give birth or announce a pregnancy. I can honestly say I feel happiness and complete love for these friends. I have a loving smile and a warm heart while reading updates. But I can honestly say that yes, I feel that thought in my mind that says "So close. I wish things would have been this way for me." I don't let it dwell and it isn't personal. I used to lie and say it didn't hurt, since obviously the intentions have nothing to do with hurting us. But now I'm honest and blunt. It does hurt. I'm sorry for that and I hate it. But again NOT personal. Not us disliking people and not wanting them around.
I couldn't bare being around newborns for the first month. It sent a trigger off and I couldn't control it. I believe it is because this is an echo of pain I already endured that made it so hard. I would see couples leaving the hospital with babies and I would sob. I would see babies on the news and sob. I couldn't bare going in public because if I saw a baby in a shopping cart I would sob. This all passes. But again, for friends I only ask to just think. Not hide, but not judge.
This truth may cause discomfort, I don't want it to. All I want is support and sensitivity. That doesn't mean special treatment necessarily. It means thought. It sucks that work is involved. But if you ever questioned something with me, make a quick pros and cons list in your head. Our pain is already there and life goes on. We except that and know that witnessing others having the life we were going to have is one of the hardest parts of this trial. Yep, you read this right. My advice is to treat your grieving friends normal, but always to be thoughtful. Like normal but not normal. Weird.

Why Me? Why You?

I've been taught never to ask "Why?" There is great wisdom in this since being so hung up on the past, your life will waste away. Sometimes
there is no change or action you could have done to change what happened. That being said, I had an answer in my heart about this that gave me some clarity. We are born in this world depending completely on watching others to learn how to grow and survive. Eating, talking, walking etc. As an adult there is a difference between observing life around us vrs harboring and obsessing over differences. I cannot avoid seeing tons of women having full term pregnancies and healthy babies. I know dwelling on this difference could drive me mad. But I know that there is a reason but I don't know what that is yet. I don't have the answers yet. Part of it is to feel sad. I feel so alone at times it is physically exhausting. I hear women complain about their pregnancies and babies daily. I the news reports on parents hurting these gifts and it angers me. I don't know why my life is different. But I can't avoid seeing these differences everywhere. But I can have faith that one day I will have clarity and peace. I will not let witnessing these differences change me, and that is I think the idea of not asking why.

At Least

Probably one of the most confusing things we have heard time and time again is "At least you have your other children." Or "Well, at least you have had a chance to carry your own baby more than once." I can tell you now that having my three girls has been an incredible blessing during this time. However, you don't often hear "Well at least you have two other siblings." when someone has lost a sister or brother later on in life. Are family dinners the same when a member of that family is no longer there? Can you imagine not having another Christmas with that sibling or parent and it be normal since your other siblings or parent is there? I feel when a loss happens during pregnancy its very disposable in some people's minds. My three girls aren't copies of the babies we have lost. That's what makes it hard.
Further more, in a time and age where "choice" is such a big debate. I am living proof that a person can't choose what their body will do. You can make forceful decisions to add or remove parts of your body, but we have no control over the natural process. You can choose birth control all you want, but pregnancy can still happen. I can tell people my choice was to have 6 kids and all with healthy pregnancies, but that didn't happen. My body can't do it and there is nothing I can do to change that. So me having three kids at home now wasn't part of my choice or vision in life. That doesn't mean I'm not grateful, but it doesn't mean I won't feel some emptiness in the big picture.
My girls are also going through loss. So I'm parenting two girls who are very aware of this loss and I am now the mother of grieving children which is something hard in itself. Some people don't think that when saying "at least you have others" only highlights that those others are suffering too. We are all changed. But yes, having family gives you built in support at times.

Grief Multiplied

My girls have had difficult moments too. I not only have my own hard moments, I see theirs too. Its hard being asked questions that I myself can't answer. Scarlett heard a student in class talk about the birth of a new sibling during share time. All the kids asked questions and everyone was excited. Suddenly Scarlett felt tears well up and said she tried so hard to hold it in but couldn't. She buried her head and started sobbing quietly. The teacher noticed and helped her. The kids asked her what happened and she allowed her teacher to explain, which then being a bunch of blunt five year olds some blurted out "Your baby sister died???" Which made her cry more and said she didn't want to talk about it. These moments can happen at any moment. Sometimes she's fine, other times she isn't. And its not her trying to be dramatic. Its unavoidable.
Michelle has put on a face several times around other babies. She experienced a similar situation with a friend at dance. She cooed at the new baby and was very sweet to the Mom. But she rushed to the car after and bit her lip the whole way home until she ran upstairs and sobbed in her room. She is someone who can't bare to cry in front of others. She feels its a very personal moment. For her newborns have been a trigger too, but she's one who hides it and holds it in. Our oldest is one who loves babies so much and has clear memories of losing her brother AND sister. Her strength amazes me. I've had to learn to remain a healer while healing. I amaze myself in those moments.

My Last

I have dealt with a new form of grief that has mixed with this loss. The final pregnancy. This is so common and something many Moms relate too. Knowing this was my last pregnancy made me savor every moment. I loved each day and was grateful for every step. The strangest thing is not enjoying the second part. The experience of enjoying my last baby. I was already sad about baby clothes I hung up knowing that was the last time I would use these clothes that three of my girls had memories in. Suddenly I had to pack them away and won't have that chance. It is such a bitter feeling. I won't get to have those "lasts". It sucks. To the Moms who complain about waking up several times a night to the sound of a crying baby, know that there are Moms out there who wake up several times a night to the sound of their own crying and would give anything to not be without a baby around the clock. This doesn't mean motherhood isn't hard and isn't filled with irritation and tired moments. But it is a gift.

Blessing Check

I do have one regret. My attitude towards my house. During my pregnancy I complained that our house suddenly felt very crammed and small. We lost our "extra" space, the formal living room. I loved reading in there, Michelle started reading in there daily too. Ben and I would go in there every night and chat about our day, many times with a cup of hot chocolate. But it became the toy room, since that space I couldn't give up, and now each room upstairs would be occupied. Now honestly I wanted a nursery. I have each time. It is something that works for us and it was a routine I wanted more then that extra space. But it did feel tight and we felt like we had a tiny home.
Well after about a week being home from the hospital I was home and suddenly my home felt so empty. It was a bazar feeling. I honestly couldn't comprehend how I could have ever felt like we didn't have enough space. Suddenly Ben and I were trying to figure out what to do with the extra bedroom. We ended up really liking the toy room downstairs. We liked the bookshelves in the hall, I actually really like them there. So we started thinking about putting random stuff in there, and before I knew it that room was turning into a junk storage space!
I learned that when our hearts have even the faintest form of ingratitude we totally miss all the blessings and richness in our lives. I have felt so ashamed by this story, but it was one of my profound learning moments. That room is still empty and we still have trouble thinking of what we could possibly do with the extra space. Mind blown.

My Beautiful Mess

Many times in my life I have heard multiple stories about people receiving promptings to go to someone's home and just insist on helping. I hear about how the family was taken back but in the end saying that was exactly what they needed. So many people have been worried that when I say no, it means they may need to just show up and help anyway. I have a perfect explanation for why this isn't always the right thing to do. I knew a friend who had a friend who lost a baby after one month during the night. While the family was away at the hospital this group of their friends made up a story to get into their home and they took apart a crib where the baby had died. They put it away and expected the couple to find peace with that difficult scene gone. The opposite happened. The couple lost it.
Now my situation isn't the same, but I felt a similar feeling. When friends offered to clean my home, I couldn't say yes. It is another crazy part of grief. For some reason coming home to a space that was untouched and exactly how it was before the hospital helped me grieve. My Easter décor stayed up for weeks after. My bathroom was messy, but it was the last place I was pregnant in my house. I had an empty box of Cadbury eggs with the wrappers inside next to my bed. It was the last thing I ate, which meant the last thing she ate. This is so strange and weird and crazy, all those words! But that's what grief does! It makes you think and act in ways you wouldn't under normal circumstances. I will be honest - I put that empty Easter candy package in a box with some other mementos with my pregnancy. I probably won't keep it, but I wasn't ready to throw it away. To anyone else that is trash. But for a grieving Mom, its a memory. I share this story in case one person out there feels alone and as crazy as me! It is normal and it is all part of it.
The advice here is to be sure to listen. Sometimes "No" isn't a cry for help but a real no. My home being altered in any way would have brought extreme stress. Now that's not to say cleaning isn't what someone else might need! I loved having people help me with cleaning after the girls were born! I just wanted to give some insight because its not often you hear the reasons. I was never offended by anyone offering! In fact the offers helped us feel supported and we knew if we needed it we had many people who would be there to help! So never hesitate to reach out to those in need!
I have had many, many people server our family the past several weeks. We constantly had meals brought to us and help with our yard work. We had lots of sweet gifts and cards. These things were very special and helpful.

Empathy

I've learned the value of empathy. Those who have it are also the ones who are more successful and happy in their own lives. You don't have to understand what someone is going through, but its trying to put yourself in their shoes and treating them with sensitivity and care. I've seen that a lot. The messages I've gotten gave me strength each time. Many gave me time to reply when I felt up to it instead of think I was mad.
I will forever be grateful for social media during these times. Friends I had from my childhood, my teens, and my adult years reached out. I believe even if our paths crossed for a small amount of time, it was for a reason. I never get tired of people reaching out. You can do no wrong with even one sentence of love. You can do no wrong with offering to help. We have gained strength by all the presence of love in our life.

Me Now

As of now I still feel this is so fresh. It will for a while. I want to be holding her. I want to carry a car seat around and making bottles in the middle of the night. I want to feel her rest on my chest and hear her first laugh. I want to see that cute wide eyed baby look while burping. I long so much for these things. One day I'll experience holding her again. This I know.
I haven't been too good at socializing. Its been really tough. Mostly because my health has been so bad. Emotionally its so hard to be grieving and friends confusing it with dislike. So I'm still distant at times. To my friends, I promise you are needed and loved.
I have so much faith that something big and great will happen and I truly believe that I am meant to help others through what I have learned. In time I know our family will find peace and more blessings. Prayer is real, I feel it more then ever. Christ is there and truly knows how I feel. That knowledge has made all the difference.