After loss I've experienced a new obstacle in my grief. I have tried to explain how I feel to others and since I have not one single person in my life currently who has been through this experience, I usually am faced with reactions of offense or discomfort.
I have expressed that this time around I've carried more anger and bitterness. I've tried to shake it and often fail. To others this sounds like I'm walking around with a scowl on my face and yelling constantly? Its not like that at all. Now when I'm reminded of my loss, it truly feels like a good hard slap in the face. Just like a slap, it surprises me. It hurts. But it's easy to recover from leaving you with a tingly feeling for a moment and then you move on. But picture being slapped about three times a day for several weeks. That's how I feel. It's not constant horrifying pain. Just a jolt of "Grrrrrr!!!" followed by my heart swelling with that sad heavy feeling. It comes and then goes.
What's new about this time around, we have more than one sibling who is expecting a baby. This news came not even a week after loosing our daughter. One was a matter of two days when announcing to the family with great excitement. In all cases Ben and I were not included in the news, but every other family member and some friends were. This was a sting I had not experienced before and wasn't prepared for. Most bluntly assume that I am jealous, or bitter TOWARDS these people. That's when I know people don't get it. I more recognized this as something I'm meant to face and learn to get through. I've said before, life will move on around us. Life happens. But no one on the planet was born knowing how to handle everything that comes.
What makes this feel different? With family having babies you are pretty much linked to the bulk of people in their lives. So when news is shared on social media. I see my aunts, cousins, siblings, parents, in laws, ALL my family share in happiness for someone gaining something I no longer have. With social media you actually get a visual, a list of everyone who was there for you pick up and move all move at the same time to another person. It is in no way wrong of any of them! That has to be clear. I would expect nothing less! But this is the one case where really everyone affected by my loss also gains that role back in their life now. Grandparents will still get a grandchild this year. A new niece and nephew will be born. For Ben and I we won't be bringing home a baby this year. Does that mean our kid was replaced? I feel it doesn't, but that role does. Everyone else who was looking forward to that role will still have a baby fill that role this year.
Many times I have mutual friends with family members. It's so incredibly hard to see a friend of mine tell a sibling how excited they are for them and can't wait for updates. Again. Not even wrong! Not bad! But I can't avoid the initial first feeling. What I can do is make a decision on how to handle it when it comes. So far I've let most of it go and I count my blessings and move on. But each time I feel a sting. I can't stand it. I've even seen friends tell other friends that they can't wait for their baby's new best friend to be born! Having just said that to me earlier this year. The friends Audrey would have had will now have many others. For me I see every newborn as a potential friend my daughter would have had. I don't see how anyone can feel their child lost a friend. Its so complex and so hard. If I don't make sense of why I feel this way, I don't know how anyone could relate or understand me.
What does enrage me are the ones who decide what my feelings are for me. If I don't react to a friend's birth of a new baby or news of pregnancy, I have some who are convinced this must be a jab at them on my part. Or suddenly I'm treated coolly. Later I find out that since I didn't attend a shower or like a post on Instagram it must be because I'm trying to make them feel bad for being happy. It's easy to feel in those blissful moments that you're baby is the happiest moment of the world right then. The biggest news! I've been there and totally know! But for some reason I'm at this place in my life where MOST friends and family members are either pregnant, just announced pregnancy, or have a baby under a year old. I actually kept track for a couple months and their were 1 to 2 announcements a week for pregnancies and 3 or more births each month after we lost our girl. Being in a stage of grief it takes no effort to keep that number in your head. And I admit each time I see it I have to take a deep breath before I say "Congrats!" usually because I'm choking up tears. But never is that because their happiness IS my pain. Not even close. That's what is hard. It has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with me. I'm wondering why all the time. I'm reminded all the time. That's so hard feeling that alone in this situation. I however have faith that one day I will know and I'm strong enough to except my body doesn't function correctly and will not let that knowledge beat me down.
One sibling had their baby this week and also premature. The reasons however are completely different from mine. The reason I bring this up is because before I found out anything I started getting a few messages. Many don't grasp that even though this is a marvel that a similar outcome happened between to related people, its still odd being asked to talk about someone else's baby. No one really gets how uncomfortable that is. One family member told me I'm taking way too long to get in a better place. But it hasn't even been six months. Not half a year. I don't get how that seems like this huge chunk of time. Do you know how small and dependent a 5 month old is? Then why would a five month void be a totally new place for me? That aside, I panicked because then came a question on why I haven't spoken to this sibling. The next words were ones that I'm sure many share. I'm apparently so sad still that I can't find it within myself to support a family member. How selfish and cruel. I had so much support, so why can't I pass that on?
The second part of why this case is so hard. No one but really my husband and parents know how this sibling cut me out of their life almost 2 years ago. A completely small disagreement turned into me being blocked out of their life. This has hurt the most when my past three pregnancies I had no support from her. When we lost the baby I didn't get a call, card, nothing. Then two days after delivering and loosing our baby, this person felt that was the perfect time to announce her news to the whole family. That sting is still very fresh. Then the hardest thing was that she came to visit my parents three weeks later and that was the time frame I was admitted and told my odds where slim. She was here for three weeks. She never saw me, never spoke to me. She came and went in silence. I've lost so much sleep over that after our loss. I couldn't comprehend why something that big can happen to me, and still not have that support or love or forgiveness. I bring this up because now that that she has experienced a trial, all eyes shift to me and this negative image is put on me. Suddenly I've become that un supporting, unforgiving sister who just won't make contact or say anything. It's such a burden that no one knows the pain I carry and loneliness I've felt. I hope with everything in me that I get a call one day from her and that things can be back to normal. I hate that thick feeling that it didn't matter if I wouldn't make it out of that hospital, this person would still not have made amends with me. I've heard statements she's made that are misleading, which gets me each time because it only fuels the rumors more that I'm the one who is being bitter when obviously she is great with me! I know how to forgive, and I've done that. But how can I shake the recent pain of constantly being kept out of someone's life and then being blamed for it when I'm still hurting so much?
I don't bring my pain up much. I know that it freaks people out. But I feel good writing this down and hoping a will have someone one day understand.
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