Entering my Thrid Trimester with a New Found Mind.

This pregnancy has been the most eventful and busy for sure! 

My first trimester I was so sick. This one topped all the others! I couldn't keep anything down and had not even the slightest ounce of energy. 

My second trimester our home of four months flooded and suffered thousands of dollars of damage. (Yes, thank goodness for insurance!) During most of the projects, I've had to stay at my parents to avoid chemicals and dust, etc. The work still isn't finished which has been crazy for a nesting momma! 

I also just hit a year since my last pregnancy loss and that wound was still pretty fresh even with the excitement of another pregnancy. But seeing how far I've come now gives me hope!

 I'm now in the third trimester! This has been a milestone that is both a victory and a tangled weave of worry. Since some of my levels through ongoing testing have elevated, my specialist is having me come in for a weekly ultrasound from here on out. If my labs go any more ab normal I will be admitted in the hospital to be monitored there until the baby comes. As of right now 37 weeks is still the goal, but 35 is becoming the fighting number in my mind. I have my hospital bag packed and I'm closing in on final things for the baby. April is going to be a month of wonder, for sure! I am prepared and ready though! I've been told how great it is that everything is working out, and its looking very much that way. But my pregnancies had always looked like this at this point, the real test will be after 30 weeks. The difference has been an actual diagnosis vrs testing while pregnant and getting no where. Whether or not this treatment works I wont know until after I give birth. The blessing can be an early birth but no NICU. I could go full term no issues. Or, there is a chance that it won't work and I deal with another bad outcome. So still, as of now I feel very hopeful and organized this time around, but I still won't know until this pregnancy is over. So stay tuned! If I make it to 37 that gives me 8 weeks! Holy! 

In the midst of a year full of changes and milestones, I'm happy to say that I have learned to love myself more then I ever before. My life hasn't gone the way I thought it would, and I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not in charge. That I haven't gotten to where I am by mistake. Women live in a time where it is harder then ever to be a Mom. I'd say with all the social networking, "Mommy bashing" is at large, not only making Moms feel horrible for being brave enough to make their own choices, but making trials near unbearable for the Moms who have no choice in some matters. 

As I near the end of this pregnancy, there are certain things I've learned to except. Things I can't change but no longer although the fear or disappointment control me. 

Lovenox infections will be involved with any future pregnancy.

And they suck! I though for sure after some point in time that  I would get used to them but I haven't. I've tried different methods to try to lessen the pain, but there is nothing. As of now I numb the area, which now my whole stomach looks like a war zone, then I squeeze the ice cube in my hand to try and divide the pain. But this stuff burns! Needles suck! And I still feel about a half hour of a burning that I imagine feels like a snake bite. 

How I see it - It wouldn't be my life without a flare of drama attached, so hey! If this pregnancy ends differently then the ones past, every ounce of discomfort will be worth it. The pain from my past pregnancies still have a lasting sting I feel to this day, one that hurts far more then these shots. So bring it! 

I will never experience labor, I will be having a 4th C-section.

This is something I have mourned and mourned over in the past. I never wanted a natural birth, drugs where always part of the plan. But not knowing what my water breaking feels like, or pushing, or the overall surprise of what day and what hour my baby will arrive (and not because of it being an emergency) is something I will never experience. You know what? That's ok! Given my past experiences, those c-sections saved my life and that of two of my babies. So this time around instead of shedding tears over the fact that my body brings babies into this world via 1 method, and not my original chosen one, I'm fully embracing it. 

I'm seeing it this way now - I don't have to deal with contractions. I don't have to experience hours of labor. I will be calmly told it is time and less then an hour later have another sweet baby. I get an extra day in the hospital. I have more time to heal and adjust. My lady parts will never have a single stitch or reshape. (I know totally TMI and offensive to some, but hey this is my list not yours.) I now know what to expect when giving birth down to every step. The thought of a c-section used to scare me, and I'll probably still suffer from anxiety leading up to it, but its now part of my plan and I see it as a beautiful thing! 

I will never know what 38, 39, or 40+ weeks pregnant feels like.

I used to complain over the fact that this is something a lot of woman don't get. Apparently the discomfort during the last month is so colossal, that many tell me that I am so lucky I will never endure it. I hated each moment I was told my pregnancy experience ended before I had I feeling it even began. I loved my growing belly, I wanted to nest and have a nursery ready. Heck the first time I wanted to experience a baby shower and buying a car seat! So I never felt the last two months of pregnancy where worth the cost of all the fun planning for baby and getting pampered and dotted on while so "huge and uncomfortable." 

But I'm seeing it this way now - Fellow mommies? I give in! Instead of dwelling and being so sensitive about this, I've chosen to trust that I'm not only avoiding pain, but am one of few women who's doctor will actually tell me No to waiting longer vrs most of my friends who beg their doctor to induce early and are told No. My tummy will never get at its biggest! And yeah, my last few weeks of pregnancy were generally comfortable! So I am looking forward to feeling like a slightly unbalanced yet fully functioning me when I check into the hospital. I might look like a balloon due to other symptoms via preeclampsia, but hey, I deflate fast! Puffy is temporary. Sweet.

There will always be a Mom who somehow craves the dramatic attention an early baby brings.
Its been something that has made me so uncomfortable over the years. I see a girl constantly posting how she just knows her baby will be premature. Or I get a call/email asking advice for dealing with a preemie since she knows its going to happen. But in the end her history shows no sign, she looks at me with a blank stare when I ask when her first steroid shot is or how long her bed rest is. Those babies end up being full term every time. It feels very "Girl who cried Preemie."

So now - I have let it go, I no longer judge these women. Pregnancy is a stress no matter what, and I've learned to trust that these girls aren't saying these things knowing that it makes me uncomfortable. Having gone through actual it and knowing its not just a "feeling" or a 50/50 chance, gives me confidence during times when my doctor has me going through so many hoops and steps to truly prepare for something so difficult. So its nice to know that preparing for a preemie is a process and highly watched and with good reason. I used to complain about all the steps involved, but now I embrace it.

I will choose to bottle feed, if not just sometimes, then around the clock. 

Breast feeding was another thing I was so sure of during my first pregnancy. Having a baby in the NICU tampered with that plan, and put me on a pump around the clock. Then my health suddenly declined causing me to have to lay down and basically not move for a couple days. So by the time I started pumping again, everything was off. I actually attempted to still try nursing for the first time when Michelle was finally released, and by that point she only had bottles for two months, but at least with my milk. With Scarlett it was a similar situation, but that time I even worked with a lactation consultant long after I came home. Having a NICU baby and health problems put a major snag in my nursing plans, but in the end my babies where fed.

I'm seeing it this way - My husband and I are bottle masters and where able to get on a feeding schedule that gave us happy, rested, calm babies around the clock. Now there are other factors that helped as well, but bottle feeding is what we became accustomed to and with this being our third baby to bring home, it is the method that we as established parents feel the most comfortable and knowledgeable with. I still plan on giving breast feeding a shot, but if I end up not getting it I refuse to allow myself to get all stressed and punish myself over it. This is the way I know, it is a way I've succeeded, and I'm grateful! Most of my friends/family breastfed and I cant imagine that suddenly with their 3rd, 4th kid to be like "I'm just going to switch it up and go strictly bottles!" if breastfeeding has worked for them with previous. So that's how it is for me. My babies were fed with bottles before, so bottles will stay. Whether or not I can add breastfeeding to the mix is up in the air.

PCOS will make future pregnancies a nightmare.
Either I will have much more difficulty getting pregnant, or future surgeries and weight gain.

How I see it now - I've learned to not let this "ogre syndrome" as I like to call it, consume me. I and I alone know how hard I am really working to stay healthy, but still some of the symptoms will take over. I just take it a day at a time.  

 

Every pregnancy I have will be a very cautious and risky choice.
I've often said that as a woman who always wanted a bunch of kids, and embraces every ounce of motherhood, this is tough. Its been hard to witness women who have no problems in pregnancy and complain constantly about it and their kids.

How I see it now - I'm over it! This is the way my body is. If I have a good outcome this time, I will keep going. Some might judge and think I'm pretty stupid, but I no longer let those words sit. And being "High Risk" is different from being "Stressed". I've had to say no a lot this past year to avoid stress. I've had to let things go and not accomplish everything on my to do list to avoid stress. But having frequent doctor visits, or having to avoid certain activities, or dealing with things that are bottom line, not easy is just the card I've been dealt. I can be disappointed and I can have set backs without falling apart. Its all I know. Since my pregnancies aren't normal, seeing me on a different clock and preparing sooner doesn't mean I'm freaking out. It means my past has shown a dominate pattern that I would be stupid NOT to learn from and prepare for.

Although my life can seem so dramatic, I want people to know that I am extremely grateful for all that I have. I'm grateful for lessons learned and a chance to test that knowledge. Its when you except that some things won't change, you can find peace.