Our time with Audrey

I'm going to start this post with a little recap on grief.

Greif is unavoidable, but it is also very necessary. Everyone grieves differently.

You can always find someone who went through something worse, but it will be irrelevant. Because in that moment it's your life and your own personal trials. Grief doesn't mean someone is broken, but some do break. Grief doesn't mean a person has given up or that they are going through depression, but it can turn into those things sometimes. There is no magical date for grief to end, but you can decide on whether or not to allow grief to become who you are instead of something you're dealing with. That being said, know that I'm still grieving. This is a memory I don't want to forget and can't forget. But I'm not at the point of clarity or understanding fully yet. Years after this happened the first time I went back and read my early feelings and felt peace and have since gotten answers.

Blame is a major symptom of grief. It consumed my first two weeks. I honestly felt sick with myself. I have found that blame is something that others really take part in as well. I understand that this isn't because people are trying to be mean necessarily, but by having a clear answer to why something horrible happened it makes people feel very safe and in control. By having a clear reason why, people feel they can control their own lives and avoid pain. Many times I have been part of a conversation about traggity where others say "Well if so and so didn't blah blah blah then well, it would be different." If someone didn't buy that dog. If that baby wasn't sleeping in the other room. If they didn't lift that box. If they haven't left for the grocery store. It is true that there are thousands of choices that happen every minute that can determine our future. Sadly I often find the same people who want to blame also want to have faith. They say good things happen if we just have faith and believe and that bad things happen for a reason. I've learned its a mix. Sometimes things just happen for reasons we don't know. There could be factors that could have changed the course, but in the end sometimes there is a plan we don't see and no matter what choices you made, the ending would've remained the same.

For me the reason, is just plain me. My body can't deal with pregnancy. I've had years of tests, seen many doctors and specialists only to have more question marks in the air and several methods to try to avoid the fact that there are questions. I was told after my first pregnancy that more children would be a risk and was told I really, really should have my tubes tied. I chose not to listen. This pregnancy was my 6th. I knew very well I had risks. But as usual things were looking great! I was showing no signs of problems! In fact, I played the couple days before over and over and after some time I realized that some things I felt I had been feeling for weeks, but after seeing two doctors each week, I was told I was fine! And I was! My blood pressure was somewhat in control with my medication, but it was the same throughout pretty much. My ultrasounds showed no struggle with blood flow. I felt kind of off, but I had for weeks and was still ok. No major swelling this time! That's amazing! I had never felt better. I rested a ton. I cancelled things I really wanted to do to rest instead. I put the girls Easter baskets together a week before while sitting on the couch, feet up while they were spending the night at my parents house. My biggest reason for going on is because I also knew every week in the womb made a world of difference. So I felt I wasn't going to punk out over one thing especially when my doctors and stats told me things were great.

The day before Easter was very low key. I was tired and predicted I only had a couple days before the doctor would admit me. Going to sleep I had a slight headache but nothing crazy. I remember feeling my baby push her foot up and I had both hands on my stomach feeling her move as I feel asleep.
Easter morning at around 6 am, I woke up and felt horrible cramping. I got up thinking I needed to use the restroom, and right then I knew. I felt dizzy and the pain went from 0-10. I couldn't stand or breath without feeling pain and I was about to pass out. So I woke Ben up and had him hand me my clothes. We rushed the girls awake and got in the car. The pain was horrifying.

Ben asked me if I had felt the baby move and I realized I hadn't in a while. I told him I knew I was too late. We got to the hospital and by that point I was yelling out. The nurses quickly asked me questions and started an ultrasound. I just knew. My old doctor from when we lost our son was there so they had her come in. She told me what I already knew. No heart beat. My current OB came in and was seeing if I was dialated or anything which I wasn't. So I was quickly prepped for surgery. This time around I felt anger. So much anger it consumed me. I blocked everyone out and signed papers as they came to me. I agreed to be close to fully knocked out for the C-section.

There I was again in an operating room. Felt the sharp jab in my back while holding a pillow and I went numb in that cold, bright room. I just couldn't believe I was dealing with this horror again. All of this work for nothing. Its how I felt. After laying down I went blank. I woke up sometime later and looked behind me and saw Ben was holding our baby. He was full of tears and asked if I wanted to hold her. I looked away and panicked. I was still hoping this was a nightmare and that I would wake up soon. After all I had had several after losing our son that were just as vivid! But this wasn't going away. It was happening. Then I realized something. In every single ultrasound, the baby had her hands right in front of her face. She never liked when the tech would shake her and would move her hands to shoo them away and her hands went right back. So I remember whispering "Keep her hands by her face. Keep her hands by her face." I closed my eyes and wished everything would just disappear. I blacked out again. I woke when they lifted me to a bed. Ben sat next to me in the next room. I agreed to hold her and at that point I hadn't cried. Once she was in my arms I took her hands and put them right to her face like I had always seen them and then I broke down hard. I was able to mumble "She likes her hands by her face, that made her feel safe." over and over and over. Then I blacked out again.

She weighed exactly 4 pounds. Our biggest baby. She wouldn't have been at the hospital long at all. It would've been no time for her to come home.

I woke in my new room and found the strength to discuss the other girls. We wanted them to come. Ben called and spoke to Michelle first. Her voice kept quivering when he told her, but she remained calm on the phone. When Ben told Scarlett I heard her wail. She sobbed and sobbed. I kept hearing her say "No no no" My parents brought them up.

Many aren't aware, but after a baby is stillborn they are actually in the room with you. This is something that really shocked me the first time. But honestly it is a very unique situation. It may bother some to know this truth, a stillborn baby is really not too different from a brand new sleeping infant. With Boleyn I remember saying I panicked a couple times because she was so still, she was limp of course and so quiet at times I was constantly checking her breathing. So in this case you take advantage of being able to really hold and look at the baby you were carrying for so long and it gives other members of the family a chance to connect. Honestly the idea would have been very confusing to me had I not experienced it. But I assure you in the moment it becomes something very special.

When the girls arrived we let them hold her. At first there were a ton of tears. Michelle is one that really tries to hold back. Scarlett couldn't stop crying. Boleyn was able to hold Audrey and was full of joy. This was her first time holding a baby and she was so gentle and loving that we felt a major blend of emotions watching her. I'm grateful to witness the immediate care and instant bond Boleyn had with her little sister. Like she remembered her, honestly like a reunion.

The nurse came in and said they usually do a bath and dress the baby and asked if the girls would be interested in helping.  They both smiled and didn't hesitate to help. So the nurse helped them give Audrey a sponge bath. Scarlett actually giggled a few times. They both got to have an experience that they thought they would never have. The moment was so happy that at one point Scarlett looked at me and said "Mom? Wait...IS she sleeping?" I explained that she wasn't. Scarlett kept forgetting. Audrey just seemed like a normal newborn. After the bath Michelle was the one who dressed her. She had a soft smile on her face and was so gentle and loving. I will forever be grateful that these girls were able to do this amazing service for their baby sister. These things were small but needed to be done. These two young girls were strong little women in these moments. They had a perspective and strength in those moments that most adults don't have yet. They had a couple laughs together and passed her back and forth for a bit longer. Again sometimes the truth would hit and tears would come. In the end this is why this loss is so unique. Moments of joy and sorrow mixed in one short time. The photo service Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came to take photos. This was another thing I was taken back by last time that I ended up being very grateful we did.

The girls were able to hold her one more time the following day. That point there were a lot of emotions. When I held her the last time I could already see a difference. I started welling up and whispered to Ben "It's not the same." Then I just let the tears flow. I remember with Logan it was the same way. The agony of never being able to bring this baby home is overwhelming. I looked at her features. I held her hands. I cradled her in my arms close to my heart. Through the tears I told Ben "It's cruel to know how beautiful she is." I loved her hair, with a soft auburn hue. Her light skin tone (like Scarlett's), her facial features. She was so unique. She was different from all three sisters and yet definitely a Clermont girl. It was when I touched her feet that I felt the hardest jolt. I felt those feet kick me so many times and push up on my stomach. I had my hands on those feet several times, even rubbing the arch and feeling her push away. This type of loss is so surreal and again, it just looked like she was sleeping. I gave her one last kiss and told her how much I will miss her. The last time I held Logan and the last time holding Audrey where the moments I've cried hardest in my life.

I stayed in the hospital for a couple more days. I had several tests done and felt so tired and emotionally drained. I just wanted to be left alone. I will say the nurse staff was amazing. All sensitive and caring. One nurse had a really amazing fragrance on and I asked her about it. The next evening she came by and brought me a full size sample of it. Those little things are a big deal. Many friends dropped off sweet treats, flowers and food. This kind of comfort is spot on.

Ben has his own story to tell. I can just say what I witnessed. For a man this type of grief can be very different. He feels he needs to stay strong for the whole family and not show an ounce of weakness. The pressure to remain a rock is great. After the first day he had to deal with grief and at the same time help his wife while healing from surgery and help his kids with their day to day things. Ben is a guy who always puts a smiling face forward. He'll crack a joke or turn the focus to another person. I have learned a great lesson, the one that every person grieves differently. It is a whole new challenge on top of everything else. Learning to be patient with one another and not allowing your differences to distract from the pain you both feel. I learned to completely lean on him and trust him. We have grown so much. I will say over the years Ben has never let his hardship effect his big heart. He cares about all of his loved ones and shows it. I'm grateful for him. I love him.

When I was discharged I went to my parent's house for a few days. I had a lot of help from my parents as I healed and we planned the funeral. Something many don't know is that by law at this stage you need to cremate or plan a burial. I remember a couple years ago, a teenager and her Mom were having a conversation with myself and some friends. The teen said her teacher was very dramatic and had a funeral for her baby who didn't live. She said a few nasty remarks like how creepy and over the top that was. That the baby didn't even come home so the teacher was being silly. This girl's Mom was laughing in agreement. I didn't say anything. I guess it makes sense that this type of situation is something many haven't dealt with. So yes, Ben and I had to make a choice and we have chosen burials both times. The loss we had during my second trimester after Logan was early enough that that baby was in a joint grave sight at another cemetery. Just some insight on the situation. As much as I love drama, this kind is one I would never wish on myself once let alone twice. Having to make decisions and meet with different people a week after surgery isn't fun. It's worse when you're grieving on top. Its worse when you see how expensive it is when you have no income. Luckily many loved ones helped and donated money to us. I have no idea how we could have paid for these things ourselves.  And we didn't even add bells and whistles. Always the base package! So that sure adds to the sting. The girls all drew pictures to send with Audrey like they had for Logan. Ben and I each wrote a letter to her as well. My Mom bought her a soft pink plush bunny, and I had her dressed in a sleeper that was the pink version of what Logan wore. Even though I believe Audrey just has her body left here and her spirit isn't attached, there is a feeling I can't avoid. It's a feeling that it is still a part of her that will remain here. It's still a scary feeling no matter how much faith I hold. I felt comfort in knowing she had these items with her physically. It was a kind of symbol for me that she isn't really alone in that physical dark place. Its a morbid truth and it stings. Having the faith I have does give me peace when dealing with such difficult images. I can understand why those without faith can feel tormented by this process.

When we came home I noticed another set back. My incision site was not looking or feeling right. I had a lot of drainage and my stomach to my upper thighs was all purple with peeling skin. My doctor found I had a staff infection. So I was put on more medication and back on bed rest. Basically my body was rotting. Feeling that gross adds fuel to all the anger and sadness. I was in bed for about a week and a half with several doctor visits in the mix.

During the middle of that, we had the funeral. When we arrived I thought I was completely prepared. I had done this before and had a whole plan in my head. But when our car started to drive up, the scene I saw was almost a complete duplicate of 5 years earlier. This scene was something that haunted my dreams. A memory that was painful every time it crossed my mind. So there I was reliving my worst memory. My hardest trial. I had found peace in the idea that I would never have to deal with that again, but there I was. Life is never certain. When Ben helped me out of the car, I suddenly panicked. I felt like I wouldn't be able to walk. I went into a slight shock moving towards this recurring nightmare. But when I saw everyone there who came to support us, I felt a wave of peace. I was still very weak and literally was counting the steps to my chair and my head was spinning. But I felt strength from the love we felt. The service was very peaceful and was a perfect tribute to our sweet Audrey. We loved greeting our friends and family who attended and again, gained so much strength during a time where we felt so alone. Afterwards we had a beautiful luncheon from my ward. The food was comforting and the company sweet. It ended up being a day that brought some joy for us even though our hearts where still heavy. This same service went on for a few weeks. Lots of amazing dinners and flowers and cards. Our yard work was done a couple times which honestly was the biggest weight off our shoulders. I hated driving up to an ugly yard when feeling yucky. We are so grateful for this service. Each act is something we will never forget. It sticks with us forever.


Now a month has passed since losing Audrey. It honestly feels like it was just yesterday. The pain for me is still that fresh. I already know I will be forever changed. It took a while the first time for my wounds to heal enough to be able to feel my strength. Now those wounds were opened and will probably take even more time to heal again. I believe I can be someone who will use this experience for good. I want to be an example of strength and uplift others through this. It just may be awhile until I can fully.