One year after a StillBirth

One year after experiencing our baby being stillborn, I've learned many lessons and went through a major shift. I was able to talk to two other mothers this past year and found that this type of grief is definitely strange and surreal. I read many posts and blogs from other moms as well and found some common threads. Its a situation that is hard to grasp, and hard to understand from the outside. I'm hoping my experience and hard points might help another mother. Its a blunt approach, but its how it is!

Approaching the one year mark, I of course started reflecting. This past year didn't happen. I have memories and stayed very busy...but I'm still stuck in that place. I'm told this is normal, and now its not so much depression anymore as much as it is a weight I feel constantly. Its hard to live the life you've lived, its a change that can't be ignored. This past week I'm still getting mail that says "Your one year old baby would love these new baby snacks! Take a sample on us!" another said "Have your child's first birthday party here!" Nice. But you learn to move on and take each day as it comes and count your blessings (that is #1 for survival here.)

This past year I've learned that many people either get extremely uncomfortable or slightly...careful? Walking on eggshells I guess? I makes perfect sense and would probably be me in that situation. For Ben and I there were recurring situations that we experienced often.

The first week you get many, many, many offers to help. But honestly you are so drained and in shock that you aren't thinking about house work, or jobs, appearance etc. After a couple weeks go by and my life starts to have some sort of order again there were moments I found I really needed help. I was surprised to get excuses from almost all the people who had offered. For those who really were there when we needed it, you haven't been forgotten...you never will be. Those who did help are truly angels in our lives.

Two, Three, Four months later, I can't tell you how fresh that pain still is. Now I'm the type of person that hates sulking around people, I don't like venting about my problems out loud. (Times I have I usually regret) But just because I wasn't a wet blanket, didn't mean I was ok. Its during that time I learned that many people think that not only should you be back to your old self (which will never happen) but I found that many actually got offended if I didn't do "enough". I wasn't very social, I wasn't much of a help to anyone. The little energy I did have, any smiles I could give all went to my kids. If I shared any of that small amount, they would have felt the weight I bare, and that I just wasn't going to allow. I found out during those difficult months that I was being talked about negatively behind my back (sounds like a high school blog now) but yeah. Some said that I was annoyingly flaky. Some were angry and complained that I wasn't helping with things in their lives. Some plain just put me down. (All this info came from people who started telling me by saying "Ok promise not to tell so and so I told you this but -" (Gossip doesn't sleep) This I can't grasp. I have to except that I was going through something that no one could understand at that time, if they did they would know that it brings on a blow that feels 10x worse. Just some advice - don't ask a person 8 weeks after burying a baby to be in charge of any projects or agree to watch your kids daily for a month. You may not have known it then, but you know it now - thats wrong. For those who gave me time, who didn't judge me for being so out of it and unproductive, you are truly angels in our lives.

I learned that some girls feel like their having a new baby, or expecting a new one feel that this could be offensive to a Mom who had lost a baby in the past year. I half understand this. I've been shunned and treated horribly while pregnant by girls who had just miscarried. I remember feeling awful and helpless. More advice - if anything DONT avoid a woman who suffered a loss while pregnant or have a baby. Stay being a friend, someone feeling alone doesn't feel better if they loose all their friends the same time. If the woman makes the choice to make the situation somehow your fault, then she's in the wrong and you can move on from there. One friend kept her pregnancy a secret from me (and asked others to keep it quiet around me). I felt so stupid when I found out a couple months  later. Another friend avoided me and lost touch with me admitting later when I confronted her "Well I thought being around you would make you upset since I have a baby, so I have been keeping my distance." (Her baby was 10 mths old when she told me this...yeah dosn't remind me of my infant son) Regaurdless, acting this way sends one message - "I pity your life and the hole that is there now, the sight of my healthy, cute, living baby must make you feel that dispare and highlight the sadness that is your life" Keep in mind, even GIVING me your baby wouldn't bring mine back. I definitely felt a pull at my heart and longing at times when seeing babies. But I would never in a million years want babies to stay away from me. Same thing goes with some girls constant need to try to relate. A baby being premature, or sick, are different things. Not necessarily less difficult or sad, but just simply not the same. Hearing "I know what you're going through, my son had jaundice." makes me so uncomfortable. My girls were both premature, and had jaundice. Those trials although extremely tough and unforgettable where nothing compared to this. They are home and perfect now and I thank God for them every day. I wouldn't tell a friend who lost a 3 year old that I know what's she's going through. Just support and agree we all have trials that come in many forms.

The one thing you can't avoid is strangers. I can remember each time I was asked these question in the past year "So you just have the two girls?" , "You guys thinking about having more after these two?", "How many kids do you have?" "Just two?" Or statements like "You guys are so lucky you just have two." and "Trust me you don't want boys, they are crazy!" Its proof that this baby is part of our family. Every time (and there were many) I was asked these questions his face would pop in my head. Doesn't matter that he didn't come home, or that he didn't make a sound. We held him close, kissed him, he is ours. I hesitate when asked but recover and move on. This can't be helped, nor can it upset me. These questions are moments we'll always have to live with. But we can do it.

One of the hardest things we went through actually had to do with family. I know that dealing with loss doesn't just affect the person closest (in our case Ben and I and our girls) But that grief carries on and hits all other family, and then friends. Since family is your imediate life line, its an awful feeling to have an argument with a family member during those first few days. Should you expereince a loved one lossing a child and planning a funeral, know this - although you feel that sting and feel that hole its not about you. Don't take off time from work and pamper yourself because you're dealing with this horrible time. Don't demand extra time with that loved one and start a fight when they don't. When your family asks for your patience and for you to be there for them, don't say you have other plans and need you're own time away to greive. Again - its not about you. And never EVER scream and yell at a family memeber who is going through a week like that. Picking out tiny caskets, healing from a c-section, taking care of two kids, and crying almost 24 hours around the clock is enough of a beating. This may seem pointless and unbelievable...but yes I include this because it did happen with more then one family member that week. I'm still trying to forgive and heal from that along with my loss. And that.is.just.ridiculous and a waste of time. Advice - Family memebers? Love. For the ones that did love and held us close and cried with us...you saved us.

 The last thing I will add is the only way I was able to explain a shread of what this experience was like -

Lets say you get a call one day and are told that you and your husband just won a house.  This house would be a custom design of what you and him would want from a home. You're shocked, suprised and beyond excited. You're given a move in date. You tell your family and your friends. You tell your kids, "We're won a new home!" Over then next few months you plan. You buy things for this home, you pick out colors, and furniture that would be ideal for a home  fit for your family. During construction, you have opporitunities to go inside the home and look around. At one point its near finished and you look around and tour the home. You plan what each room would have, you imagine holidays there and family nights, birthday parties. You share pictures with loved ones. You dream of move in day every night. You start packing and shifting your life around to prepare for the move. Life is a wreak during the packing and planning but you know it will be worth it. Then two days before move in day you get a call "I'm sorry but we can no longer give you this home." You are hit with this wave of shock and disapointment. How? You've been thinking of moving in non stop! You planned for it, speant money, made shifts in your life preparing for it. You saw it a few times! Just like that you're told, nope. You're left back at the place your life was months before. You wonder, well what now? Do we go an buy another house? No it wouldn't feel the same, not now. Besides we don't have the means too. All the energy, health, and money went into preparing for this house. We have this appartment, shouldn't that be enough? Are we being selfish for wanting that house? You make do and slowly get things back into place, only the many preperations left things always unfinised around the apartment. Sometimes you drive by the house that would have been yours. Its empty inside, its still. But you can't just go and move in. You were so ready and so excited but now you're left feeling disapointed.
You may move on, you may feel happiness and find joy. But you'll never forget that time when you almost got that dream home.

Now because of our faith, we belive we will have our baby one day. This year has been hard and a constant challenge. But we are grateful for what we do have. We are blessed even through our trials.