untitled.

I have a collection of posts that have never been published due to being me just venting and sounding so depressing. I hate coming off as negative so they are just sitting in my drafts, if something were to happen to me I'm sure they'll be found and people will be thinkin whaaa?

Maybe this one will make it, I'll keep it mild. I found my journal last night and read the last entry dated March 10th 2010. I was poring out sorrows and feeling so lost and was very depressed. I lost all hope and felt alone and like I had a giant cloud above my head at all times. It was about four pages of sadness. Tear marks had made wrinkled spec patterns on the pages. So its been almost 2 years later. If I could visit that Rachel I would tell her that real trials haven't even hit yet. I'm about to have more this year and I haven't even reached them yet.

But this was the beginning. I realize I've written almost identical things since, I've even felt worse at times, but keep putting it off and never do anything about it. I've talked to professionals before, but now I'm needing to make a major change.

Fact, I'm depressed. I've been dealing with depression for two years now. I've lost joy in things I used to love. I'm either wishing I could sleep all day, or go days without sleep. I've had sudden weight gains of lbs within a few days even though my diet and work out routines have been about the same (normal healthy amounts) . I've lost tons of the social ability I used to have, most friends think I'm probably over them...I'm not. I cry a ton, daily. Thats the worst part. And the fact that I've lost trust in people in general. I feel like anyone and everyone can't stand me. I'll imagine things all the time and have to be corrected that its its in fact not whats going on. But I guess I've lost so many people in my life that I don't allow myself to get close to anyone else.

So I'll end with this - a grateful tone. I'm grateful that I know what brought this on and that I'm completely aware of it. I'm grateful I haven't given up on my kids, that I still work hard for them to help them learn, grow and have amazing memories. I'm grateful that I can say I've never had thoughts of suicide, which that question has been thrown at me so much the past couple years..but I owe that to my faith and beliefs. I'm grateful to KNOW I'll get through this and be myself again. I miss the old me more then anyone.

Why write this? Its a way of healing and I wanted anyone who is close to me to be aware that its still going on, that I love you and always always always appreciate and thank God for you in my life.