Update on Me

I've learned this past year that the body is truly a mystery. We have bits and pieces of info, but all in all nothing is sure. I'm realizing it been about a year since I had a little light shown on what may be the problem with my pregnancies (my kidneys). After some time went by after the c-section I started getting tests, and being looked at but now my Dr and my Kidney specialist aren't agreeing with what's going on. Its frustrating. Around November last year I started getting a strange sharp pain in my back, it feels like a needle prick almost. When it didn't go away for a couple months I told my Dr at my last appointment who told me that was right where my left kidney is. I had an ultrasound which on that side was so painful I started crying. After a week I had to call and ask about the results and then was told, "Oh yeah...its says something something is found in there...huh, not sure what that is. We'll call you back." Its been a few days and still nothing. I go in tomorrow again so maybe they'll tell me whats going on so I can move on.

At my annual physical I did bring up the possibility of having more kids at this point. I was told I could try but that again its almost certain I'll get this illness, only that now they don't know if it has anything to do with my kidneys or not. Basically its not recommended since there is that chance. I feel I have no control over my body, and for reasons I possibly will never know.

We've looked into adopting but we already have hit blocks. One being we already have kids, so that declines our chances quite a bit or at least puts us on a much longer waiting list IF anything. Thats been the biggest thing, but the list is quite long. We're not ruling it out, but its discouraging. Then after talking to some couples who've adopted there is this fear of going through a whole pregnancy only to find out in the end that the couple changes their minds. This is so common, and I told Ben that this would honestly feel like what we went through when loosing our son. You pick out a name, you buy things, get things ready and make it all the way to the close end only to find out you loose that child. AND I know a friend of the family who convinced her son to do this with he and his girlfriend's baby (they decided on adoption right when they got pregnant and didn't want it) she begged them not to give it up and that she would raise the baby. Finally after months of that couple flying back and forth and paying for everything they find out a week before the baby is due that they'd being giving it to his mom. It was two weeks before Christmas, thats heartbreaking to me. Now she complains about not having the money for daycare (she's a single mom who works full time...hmmm) So she's been having other family members watch the baby. Its so sad. Her son and his girlfriend say they don't want contact with the baby and never did which is why they decided on adoption, so they avoid seeing him. Complicated stuff.

Anyway, I could take this as a sign to move on and be happy with my beautiful girls I have. (Oh and believe me I've heard that from just about everyone.) It's just frustrating because we've always wanted a big family. I'm not afraid of "damaging my bodies' looks" through pregnancies. I'm not afraid of adopting a child, Ben and I even talked about this desire before having kids. I've never even considered getting my tubes tied, or choosing a certain pre-determined number of how many kids I want. I don't want a career over the role I have now. For women who are infertile, Drs give them other options to try and its a hard thing for them to go through, but they're not told they can't try. I'm not saying I look down on any women who feel differently about anything I said above. This isn't about me vrs. other women. Its about this frustration with being told "No bad idea" for something I've always desired. It complex, its something you won't understand unless you were in my shoes. So for now I concentrate on what I have now, and have faith that I'll have everything I desire in this life as long as I keep the important things first.