I've been very up and down lately. Mainly because of my health. I've still had tons of cramping, I'm just not healing the way I should internally. But it the Dr said I was looking good enough to get an IUD put in. So we tried that again, however it looks like my body is rejecting it like it had before. With that I had an ultrasound that gave me all sorts of new cramping and pain and I've been very dizzy when standing for the past few days. I'm going to the kidney specialist in three weeks. I'm probably going back in to check on the Mirena either today or tomorrow. I haven't felt 100% in so long. Last night I just cried over it for the first time in a while. If I didn't have kids I would probably just lie in bed all day. Which is why I'm grateful I have them to keep me going. Its still hard though on days being by myself. Scarlett has been getting all her teeth week after week, so she is in so much pain and it caused her to have diarrhea and vomiting which made her dehydrated...etc. So she needs me around the clock poor baby! Michelle is so active these days, and I feel so run down like I'm 90 or something. That makes me feel terrible. I love being active though and staying busy, its a temporary numbing! Its great!
On top of that I'm still having to deal with the loss of the baby, its a little different now...the feelings. Its not like tons of crying all the time and whatnot. Its more just this lingering thought in the back of my head, like a hovering cloud or weight around my heals. Even if I'm not focused on thoughts about him, he's constantly there. I forget sometimes and will make plans in my head like "When the baby gets here we'll..." etc. But I'm getting better.
Michelle doesn't forget him any day of the week. But what is hard is her misunderstanding of death. Which is understandable. But she'll say things like "Oh Mom! I can't wait for Baby Logan to get better and come home!" or I'll be sad about something else and she'll come to me and say "Mom! Don't worry Baby Logan will get better soon from the hospital and come home!" If only it was that soon. So we'll keep moving over here and I pray every night that I can get to at least a more comfortable place then I am now.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry to hear about how you've been lately. I love reading your blog because it keeps me updated on how you really are doing. I think someone invented blogs so we can vent and kind of have a counseling session with the computer. :) It's very therapeutic. You are an amazing woman and I look up to you! Just know that someone in Dallas is thinking of you and your family! Love ya!
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