Deeper Hole

I thought I was starting to see brighter days. I felt the stress leaving slowly but surely. I've been positive from every point. I've had an incredible amount of faith. But now I find myself in a rut I can't escape. Since coming home I started feeling better, started being an active Mom again, started getting my apartment in order. I've been slower, but I kept moving and continued getting things done.
But now my body has hit another bump. My health has gotten so out of control this past week I can barley get from one side of the apartment to the other without just about passing out. My chest near my heart gets these tight feelings from time to time, and bending over or lifting anything makes me dizzy and my hands go numb. So during this time is also when my girls get the flu. Scarlett has diarrhea so bad that its basically liquid that has gotten on our freshly cleaned carpets, her crib, all her clothes. I literally do 4 loads of laundry a day...and they are the same items each time. So all of the other laundry has come to a halt. I took her to the Dr and had to pay close to $200 out of pocket just to be told to keep an eye on it so I can pay again to be told whats really wrong. My kitchen is never clean even though I do two loads of dishes a day (story of a stay at home Moms life) Our vacuum doesn't work. The one ounce of rain we got brought ants in our place. My room is so disorganized and even though I've been working on it for a few days it looks like no change. Michelle eats non stop these days. Ben hasn't been the same towards me the past few months, its like I'm a burden to him, a reason for any pain he's gone through. I'm offered tons of help, but I don't even know how to tackle this mess let alone someone who doesn't know where anything goes or has to go through the stress of a very sick baby that rains poop every 30 minutes.

I can't keep up. I'm in a hole so deep I see no way out. The past couple days I've cried so hard (and loud) its a type of cry I haven't had since high school...gross! I just don't know what to do anymore. I look around and see no progress anymore or any hope. My body won't let me do anything and its made me start to hate myself.

I'm praying, I really am.....but seriously I don't know how I'm ever going to see the end of this constant slope.