The night after the funeral was extremely hard. Everything slowed down and I was alone with my thoughts. Ben, the girls and I were at the apartment for the first time. Life had just paused there, and I wasn't prepared for it. Everywhere I stepped and turned was a reminder of the baby. Easter decorations, birth announcements I bought, baby clothes everywhere - in the halls in bags, the couch, next to my bed. I was in the process of hanging up hooks I bought, they said 1, 2, and 3. The 3 was in the color blue. I had his last ultrasound pics on the ledge of the stairs waiting to be put in my album with all the kids. Seeing those pics was a big blow. Bottles in the kitchen, a packed diaper bag. Going in my room after a week, and laying in the spot where I had experienced the pain before it happened, really felt strange since everything had just been left just the same. And then of course his room, which I had been working on and had many things I had bought all put away. Things like this seemed to be everywhere.
At one point, the girls were playing in their room and Ben and I were sitting on the couch watching tv, and I just got up went to our room shut the door and broke down. But this time things were different, I experienced tons of anger and extreme emptiness. If you know me, you know I'm a major planner with everything in life, and if you know me even better you know I have panic attacks when my plans shift. Even small things like suddenly not being able to make it to a friends dinner, or forgetting an item at a party, etc. Bigger things like missing a wedding, or people coming into town without notice, freak me out even more. So the idea of the most major cancellation of my lifetime really sinking it broke me in that moment. I went into a major panic. Ben found me and became a rock unlike he had ever been before. He let me vent, he let me cry and just held me. I went off with the questions and pity for myself....
"Why does this happen to ME? I love kids! I want a ton of kids! I never complain! I could seriously have 10 kids and be at total peace with the idea! I work hard as a Mom! I work sooo hard! I never slack, I do what it takes to make sure they're healthy, educated, loved! I study parenting every day, I excel at being a mom. I take it as serious as a major career, one I've prepared for my whole life! I desire kids! I want my baby! Why do I get sick every time! Why does my body make this want so difficult to active! I hear so many Moms complain about their kids! Sometimes I see them complain EVERY DAY! I would give anything, ANYTHING to have Logan here with me now, and I never cared about the extra work, I always knew I would MAKE it work! Its my job, my everything to BE A MOM!"
These were most of my rants, it hurt...but then I looked at Ben and saw him listening and truly caring, then my girls came in and I realized they heard me and worried, then felt it was ok that they saw me in that moment, because l could show them that life goes on. They came to me, both of them even Scarlett who I didn't think could possibly understand and they both got into bed and hugged me, Michelle hugged me very tight without a word, and Scarlett gave me a kiss.
This was a message to me, these were my angels barring me up. A reminder that I have everything I need, right here right now in this life. I know that everything is part of the plan, I know I'm still Logan's Mom no matter what, and that I will hold him and raise him one day. But here and now, I have what I need. Heavenly Father knows I love being a Mom, he knows I am a strong one and that I could take this trial. After that break down, I didn't have another and its been almost a month. The next few days I moved his stuff into his room and shut the door, a week later I allowed myself to go in that room with the girls and let them play with a few things we left out, and I was ok. I haven't cried too much since then. I feel great peace. I stay busy with my kids and I continue for them, for Ben and for me. I will hurt forever, but I will live. I will never be cured of that loss, but I will live.
With healing, its been very hard. Many say the more c-sections you have the easier it gets...but for me its not the case. So its been tiring and painful almost every day at some point. My dr says a lot of it has to do with the placenta tearing from my body, its something I'm healing with along with the surgery. I still can't bend down too much, and I tire easily, walking too much hurts, but I have tons of help with the kids. Scarlett especially is hard for me to chase after which I now miss, LOL. I go in soon to see a kidney specialist, and then a whole new chapter starts with my health. I also see a therapist, which has been interesting since I don't open up to anyone unless I've known them for a while. I've been diagnosed with Post-Pardom and Post-Traumatic Stress. I have suffered from nightmares and hallucinations from the past births, and this one on top of it has made it worse. A week before I had Logan I woke up screaming thinking I saw the baby in blood next to the bed and it took Ben a few tries to get me out of it. So now that something bad has actually happened, I wake up with visions like that often. I also sometimes feel that I still feel the baby and have feelings of pregnancy, which the Dr says is the same kind of thing a someone loosing a limb and still feeling like its there, my brain still triggers feelings of being pregnant since I drastically lost that but don't feel the fulfillment of the baby being here like I was preparing for. But that has gotten a lot better. I refuse to be heavily medicated, and have faith I can get through it by choosing treatment I do research on with help of others I trust. I take it a day at a time, and I know I will be protected if I remain faithful.
I'm grateful that I had blocks in the way of preparing for the baby. I almost bought letters to spell out his name for his room, but was waiting for them to be on sale, and they didn't for a couple months...but I realize that would have been so hard to see his name huge and on the wall. His bedding kept going out of stock, that would have been hard as well. And mostly I'm grateful that Scarlett still sounds like a baby. Her laugh, cry and sometimes coos I feel help me around other babies, I don't feel sad around them because they sound like her still. So those of you with babies, no fear I haven't been the type to feel sad around them which I know some women have felt that. Which I am very grateful for. I'm also still so happy for friends who are pregnant, since I know the joy of being a mom and pray that all who want that can experience it.
I want to share with any of you reading something that I've felt strongly recently. All trials are different, and its ok to have that moment to break down. Don't bottle it inside, let it out and hold on to your faith, and angels will bear you up as well. I used to keep things inside feeling I would be selfish to cry because there is always someone going through something far worse then me. After having Michelle, who was in good health, just small I thought - I shouldn't cry because she is healthy even though this has been so so hard on me. But its important not to compare your trails with others. What you may be going through, a miscarriage, a death of a family member, financial problems, trouble conceiving even a first child, illness, divorce, whatever it is if it is the hardest thing YOU have dealt with so far in YOUR life, then that is your trial and it may be the hardest thing you have carried so far. Its ok to grieve to feel that break. What will matter in the end is how you get through. I feel so many try to actually relate to my story...and many have and I get comfort from that, those who have gone through burying someone they love or lost a child I've been able to feel some part of that. But many I sense try really hard to find some story and try to connect - death of a dog, an early miscarriage, or an aunt and uncles divorce...yeah. Its ok not to relate to someone if you don't, I've learned the greatest help has just been thought of, to be reached out to. Whether its a close friend/family member or even a stranger, its given me such comfort and helps me remember I'm not alone. We are all here learning lessons, all different in some way with each individual. And we're all here together at this time in life as companions, meant to lean on and teach so we can one day move on to the next chapter hand in hand.
Above all remember that Christ knows what every pain feels like, he has cried those same tears...if you lean on no one else, lean on him and look forward to the day where you can let him embrace you and hear him say "I know."
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