The past couple days I've hit a mommy slump. I've never really complained about the struggles that come with a premature baby, but the last month I've felt it full force. Its one of those extremely confusing emotions. One half I feel bad that I would dare feel stressed by something that could be worse and is no ones fault, on the other half I'm thinking I'm human and even the most rich stress free people have low points.
Michelle was a month earlier then Scarlett was, but was right on track with where her development should be, so it didn't hit me as hard. Scarlett is about 3 mths behind physically. We have a coach that comes over every other week that helps me with some exercises to do, but really its something I need to be patient with. Problem is the past month I'm not...
Every mom has those moments of wanting things to be easier, mine always seem to be in longer stretches. Everything is delayed. Getting their rooms ready, Bringing the babies home, a smile let alone any real expression takes months to surface from my baby's sweet face, these are all bonding experiences that come on much later, or sometimes I don't get to experience at all. Example:Breast feeding
One of the hardest things is when I hear moms say "Oh my goodness XXX is rolling over!" or "My baby is crawling everywhere now! Help!" But I envy that, for me its been three additional months (even considering her prematurity) that I have to hold my baby up for anything, hold the bottle to feed her, etc. Now seriously I love my kids and many wish it would slow down for them. But for me I feel so so tired! I feel like although my sweet girl is getting bigger and our bond is sweet as anything, we're stuck, it makes every feeding, every cry a NEED for me to take 20 minutes to feed, not because she wants to be held, because she literally can't hold her own bottle or sit up to play.
This won't last forever, and if Michelle caught up so well I have total faith that Scarlett will do the same! Her brain development is perfect, that is a blessing, so she has repeated words sooner then expected and responds to things even sooner then expected, but her body is so behind where she wants to be, I see her thinking she wants to move forward or sit up, but after a month of trying, zip. It usually takes her 3 to master a move once she starts trying.
Last week one of my mom's friends says "Oh she's starting to rock on her knees? Oh well the next couple of weeks are going to be Hell for you!!" I'm thinking, I can't wait to see her crawl, she can finally play with her sister more, and I don't have to witness the breakdowns she has burring her face in the floor sobbing softly after many attempts to move forward. And my cousin complains about her 2 kids with one on the way, saying "I hate being pregnant I wish I could have a 7 mth pregnancy like you, you're so lucky." and she says how her kids are just sooo much! I can't take anymore! All I'm thinking is, I would kill for those extra 2 mths, I would love a 9 lb cubby baby, I would love feeling free to have as many kids as I want without feeling selfish about it since I know its not possible to have a full term baby anymore, if any more at all! "I hate breast feeding, your so lucky you didn't have to do it!" Well I didn't have a choice, THATS what hurts, I have no idea what its like!
So ---yeah, this is just a vent, nothing too serious, but sometimes it feels good to just let out all these emotions. I wake up every day feel so blessed to have these girls and to have this great calling. I love everything being a mom has to bring, stretch marks, tantrums and all! Its hard many times, but the good SO SO out ways all of that!
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