Another Lesson

Family and Friends, I haven't actually left my blog. I've been hear maybe twice a week for the past few weeks writing my thoughts. I decided to publish this today in hopes that if someone goes or has gone through the same thing they can know I relate. Miscarriages are a very private thing, and often you don't even know woman around you are going through it. As common as it is, the whole process and situation took me by surprise. I didn't know what was normal and what was not. I was very scared and felt alone and very stupid about my knowledge of the whole thing! I personally document my trails to both get relief from getting my feelings out, even when no one will see them and because there are times I've gone back and find that pieces come together that I never knew existed! I learn and grow from these hard times, and have experienced the same from hearing stories from others.

The day before the misscarraige was a very happy one. Scarlett was in dance class when I got a call from Ben saying he had half a day off to go with me to the specialist and we could grab lunch. I told him that I was told we could possibaly find out the gender at the appointment. It would't be solid, which is why women get scheduled at 20 weeks to be more sure. But  we would have an idea. I had just hit 14 weeks, was feeling so much better after a very sick three months. Blood pressure was lower as was my protein count. My Mom bought me a new diaper bag that I love. It was a good day.

That night I started cramping a bit, but it felt normal and made sense since I read my uterous was in a growth spurt. The next morning I realized my cramping was constant and felt identical to menstral cramps. I did a rate in my head like they would at the Drs. Maybe a 2 for pain, but it was more uncomfortable then painful. I did some reading, and saw the same answers I had read when experiencing any cramping during all my pregnancies. If sever pain or a combo of cramping and bleeding call dr. I have never experienced spotting while pregnant. Not at all. So I got over it and took a shower so I could get ready for the appointment. I felt better after the shower and got dressed. But when I went to use the bathroom before leaving, I was suprised to find a lot of blood, not spotting, it was a lot. I called my Dr asap. It took forever to ge get me through to a nurse after being tranfered twice, and then she kept asking if I was sure it was spotting. Being a high risk patient I was shocked they would'nt have me come in based on that alone, so I basically had to convince her to let me in. :/

On my way there I couldn't help but cry the whole way, which I felt was such a faithless gester, but I couldn't hold it in no matter how hard I tried. There was a huge line at the office, bummer. While checking in I was still crying but for some reason they felt inclined to hand me a stack of paperwork since it marked a year since it was last updated. Should the staff be at least somewhat aware? Not totally their fault being front desk, but I was still pretty annoyed. But whats worse is when the nurse finally called me back she seemed clueless too. I was sitting on the table in a gown and now in more pain. She suddenly came back and said she forgot to prep the table and asked if I could move over. I started crying even more and then she asked "Hey? Are you ok?" At that point I had no clue why the nurse was completely in the dark over my situation.

After that I stared at the clock and cried and prayed non stop. I felt so tired of crying. Three years of back to back trails, some big ones I haven't talked about, all difficult and back to back. Not including the difficult starts to both Michelle and Scarlett's lives. I prayed for a break, for a miracle. I felt so beat down, I couldn't imagine going through anything else when still feeling the weight of other things. I did feel peace but it wasn't getting the answer I wanted. I knew what may come was another loss, but that I would eventually understand. It may not be clear now but I'll know at some point. I kept crying and felt more pain. It had been an hour in that office waiting. That.seemed.cruel! When the Dr finally came in she asked how I was feeling. I said more pain and worried. She left and came back 15 min later. Finally she did an ultrasound but didnt say a word, she brought another Dr in and confirmed that I lost the baby.

I was told this wasn't related to any of my high risk factors. My labs and vitals were under control. I'm sitting there sobbing over the news then I hear the next part. She said I needed to have a D&C in two days because the baby is two big to naturally go on its own. I flinched when she said that. The baby is too big. Now I know the size wasn't anywhere like last time, but ouch. It's also difficult knowing I couldn't just go home and be done.

When leaving I was in even more pain but luckily the Dr found me a spot to have the procedrure the next afternoon vrs. two days later. The line to check out was rediculous again. I'm crying and getting stared at, it was awesome. Not. I just dropped the folder on the desk and basically ran out the office and to the car.

Meanwhile btw, Ben had left the same time I left but got a flat. It took three hours total to get toed, repaired etc before he got home. So he was on the side of the road alone when he heard. So that was a brutal experience for him. When he did get home we just cuddled and cried for a good while.

The night and next morning was very painful. I couldn't eat or drink because that was the prep for the operation. I had contractions every 5 - 10 min and I was told, in my case the pain was so bad because of my previous three c-sections. So all that scar tissue? Yeah.

When actally getting ready the contractions got worse, probably from moving around. Getting to the hospital I was beyond ready to get past it! After check in my contractions were unbarrible. But then we hit a block because apparently my Drs office neglected to send over my insurance authorization. The woman with billing said if I went back there my bill would be over 12 grand. We waited and waited and Ben felt my hands and said they were ice cold and my face was white. So he called the office and and was not happy. Their excuse is that they were busy. Wow. A half hour later I felt tons of pressure and knew my body was getting ready to push the baby out! I called for Ben and said I couldn't wait any longer. At that moment the woman said they recieved the auth. I needed a wheel chair at that point. When I stood up my bleeding was heavier, and once I got to a bed it wouldn't stop. It was very scary. The nurses were amazing and fast! They gave me some pain meds which helped some. The Dr visited me and within 15 min I was wheeled to the opporating room. Once that mask went on I was out! Thank goodness! When I woke up I was feeling very very peaceful (hello drugs!) but it was also much easier to sort out my thoughts and really let everything sink in now that this was the first time in over 24 hours that I felt no physical pain. The baby is going to be at a joint grave sight that the hospital provides for late miscarriages. That was something I didn't know about. There is no service or attendance of corse, but they let the parents know after if they want to visit the sight. At first I stressed out about the details. Its a situation where I didn't mind what they did, but felt like I should at the time. So I felt guilty for a bit like I should've made extra effort to consider the other options, like have the baby by Logan even though it was much earlier, but I already had a spot. And apparently parents hash out all those details even that early! I kept asking myself "Should I be doing more? Am I thinking clearly?" Luckily I got some great council from Ben and I got great peace knowing its not important where this tiny one is laid, the important part is in heaven. Now That weight is gone.

Going home I felt I was finally able to begin healing my heart as well. This wasn't as bad as our last experience. I was grateful that the loss happened earlier this time. Of course it wasn't what I would want to happen.

Ben was so amazing during this difficult time, he was always right there by my side. Its just as much his loss as it is mine, but his stenghth carried us both.

Michelle was devistated when she found out. She sobbed for the longest time. She asked lots of questions. She had just drawn tons of pics of me pregnant and thought I would not like them anymore, but I will keep those safe! Once and a while she'll say something like "Oh Mom I really wish we can keep a baby here with us!" So she definetly feels this loss too. She has been very up and down since and often gets nightmares about me in pain or lost and will come in my room sobbing in the middle of the night. But she's been a tough cookie.

Scarlett had spent every morning asking to look at the app I had that showed what the baby looked like week by week. She would also say there was a baby in her belly. Now she may not fully undrstand why ir how but she does know there is no longer a baby in my belly and now says the same thing about herself. I thought she would've not gotten it, but it was like daily she brought it up and now hardly ever mentions it. Maybe once a week she'll say "No more baby?" and points at my tummy.

As for me, Im moving to another Dr. That whole experience would've been 10x different if it wern't for how disorginized they were. And it wasnt just that time, its been most of the time. Im going in next week to a Family practitioner to be put on high blood pressure meds perminantly. Turns out I am one of the woman who after getting sever preeclampsia twice got permanent high blood pressure as a result. This is a risk that comes with the illness that I dodged the first time but not the 2nd. So I feel eh about that, but the Dr says if I stay on meds starting asap, we may have a different story if we try again.

I've definitely been on a crazy emotional roller coaster. Some days I'm great and positive. But about once a week, there will be a day where I'll wake up with a rain cloud over me. I feel tried, very emotional and slow moving. On these days there usually is nothing wrong! Nothing that should be upsetting me, but I'll just be off. I never know if I'm going to be laughing and acting myself, or crying every two seconds for no reason. Things set me off easier that I used to be able to brush off. People bug me at times for no big reason! So I'm finding a balance and excepting that I'm not going to be perfect. Its just hard feeling weak on those days and struggling with situations that didn't even phase me not even a month ago. I have a tremendous amount of faith that one day I will have more kids, even if we adopt! I know this isn't a punishment or something done out of spite. I'm grateful for all that I have!