I past my official due date about a month ago, which has brought many teary days the past few weeks. Its hard because with every holiday and event that I planned on having my baby with me that passes it becomes more real that he isn't here with us. Where I'm at is such a weird place, now I see baby things at stores and I get this "baby bug" buuuut I find myself stuck. I just had a baby, so fact is I did have my son, I held him, dressed him. I have his face in my mind every day. Its still happy if anyone could understand. He's still my baby boy. But the fact that he's not here with us leaves me empty constantly. I don't want to get pregnant now even if it was safe for me to do so. I don't want to try for a while. So it makes it really hard at times. I even told Ben I wouldn't mind those late night feedings. With Scarlett I would get up to feed her and would just watch things I'd missed on tv, I would read. Yeah I lost sleep for a couple months, but when she slept through the night, I got it back. I want that tiny baby to share these memories with us. Now with every month that passes after that due date I find myself in this gray area.
Its taken a toll on Michelle too. Now she is completely confused and frustrated. She really thinks heaven or not, that he will get better and come home. But now that so much time has gone by, she will recall holding him and details about him and then get upset asking why he isn't better and back with us. This conversation happens seriously every day. And now, I've had to excuse myself and cry about it. I understand her pain, at times I just miss that baby so much and feeling this way will never disappear.
However, I don't let any grief or sad thoughts control me. If I were to allow it, I could literally sit around alll day thinking "what ifs" and "why mes" I just can't do it, it can consume you and leave you lifeless. But there is a thin line, I suddenly have this deep understanding towards some Moms who mentally vanished. It's so easy to let yourself. I still have so much to love and be thankful for and that's what keeps me going. I'm so grateful I have a perspective that helps me do that.
The next step with my health is a kidney biopsy. I've been stressing out about it, not because its such a big deal, but because one I've never had one, and two I'm just hoping for good results so I can finally shut this door. I'm happy for all the support through this and the understanding. Many feel after about a month that we're all good and move on, but for us its still fresh, its still such a struggle to even get out of the apartment and socialize at all. I have to force myself to do anything, which is so out of character. There are days I don't want to smile or talk to anyone, but I do and find that was an evil cloud hovering over me trying to keep me from being happy. I do feel we are blessed with friends that make it worth it and leave us feeling healed. Through trails I've definetly found who true friends are, ones that just take time to even write and stay in touch. It's so annoying when you here from someone "I'm hear if you need ANYTHING pleeease let me know!!!" and then when I find myself really needed help I tried calling upon a couple of those people who are suddenly too busy. I'm sorry, I didn't know true help had an expiration date. So what you really meant was "This is the cliche thing to say after a death, so for the next week after the loss of your son, I will help, after that I'm sorry you're on your own!" Or some will get upset if we can't make it to something stupid, like "Pizza night at so and sos!" and I tell Ben, "Wow some people think we owe it to everyone else to be there when they can't even see we're no where near being back to the way things were." I for one just won't deal with it anymore, I don't care what people think. If we are not doing well that day and just want to spend time with our kids...sorry! I guess we're selfish then! You're free to move on and find better friends!
Sorry for the mini vent, its just been such a slap in the face. Anyway, all in all we're still taking things a day at a time and honestly have a positive outlook and are going to be fine! I can't wait to see whats in store for us in the future, and in the mean time thank for for those who have stuck by, even if its in a small way it IS noticed and so so appreciated! Our loved ones make our burdens lighter! Thank you!
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