A Hard Memory - An Important Lesson

It started out to be such a pleasant normal day. Time with my husband and kids, ate a tasty breakfast - Round Rock donuts with a big ol' chocolate milk. That was the last time I felt you kick and move all around. Then I slept, for most of the day. When I got up that night something was off.

I remember telling my Mom that the baby felt low...really low, it felt weird. I did a couple things that day, but nothing strenuous, the most walking I did was in and out of a car. On the way home, I felt sick, like my head had a sunburn. My stomach started feeling cramped. Like mild menstrual cramps, I just wanted to sleep. But laying down made the cramps worse. I looked up contractions and it sounded dead on to what was happening. Called my mom, called the Dr. I drank tons of ice water, nothing helped, the pains got worse and worse and constant, no..."5 min apart" business, it was just pain. I thought maybe I'm a wuss, I've never gone into labor, so I just have a low pain tolerance and need to just deal and get ready. Every step was pain beyond anything. My legs started shaking uncontrollably, I couldn't breath right and was afraid I was going to have a seizure for sure, I felt the shaking start to move up in my chest, and honestly thought that was it. I had to focus on breathing to calm it down, it was the scariest feeling I've ever had.

Mom picked Ben and I up, my sister stayed with the girls. Every step...pain. Every bump...pain. I felt I would for sure black out from it. We got to the hospital and they hooked me up to a monitor, the pain again was not leaving. They tried listening to the heart beat, but it hurt so much at the touch I couldn't bare it, my legs were still shaking beyond belief. So they brought in an ultrasound...first warning was the words "Oh..um...well thats the placenta". They said he was just in an odd position, and couldn't get the heartbeat. I thought, well duh! Because you can't press on me that hard in this pain! It will kill me!

Then the Dr came in, again bringing up the placenta. After a couple minutes things got really quiet, my mind went some place else giving me enough strength through the pain to hear what she had to say.

"Rachel, there is no heartbeat, the placenta has detached itself from your wall. I'm so sorry."

I nodded. She told me she still wanted to preform a c-section, get the baby out so that I wouldn't get really sick, because I was headed that way, I was bleeding a lot internally one of the many reasons for all the pain. When she left I felt my Mom and Ben surround me in tears, I cried a little but mostly watched the ceiling. Breathing was hard, it hurt, so I took my mind some place else and blocked out the pain. I was gone.

When starting the IV I didn't flinch, usually its the hardest thing for me...but I just had my arm limp and didn't even remember it happening really. They hooked me up to more machines, still no memory of those. My Mom and Ben tried talking to me, but I wasn't there. They gave me that awful "cocktail" before surgery, usually I almost throw it up...this time just took it like it was nothing. They told me it was time, they laid me back...at that moment my Dad came in, said a couple things to me, but my gaze was still at the ceiling, no tears, just...pain.

It took a long time to get the spinal started, it hurt so much to lean over my stomach even though I knew I'd get relief. I was shaking, I was so scared. I couldn't believe I had to go through another emergency c-section, and this time would be a tragic result. When I did get relief, my mind stayed separate. Ben came in, tear soaked face. He held my hand, said some words of comfort, and said I just looked calm and smiled at him peacefully. I was just...mush.

No crying this time...just asked if we wanted to hold him. I never got to hold my baby right after before...interesting. He looked just like Ben. I held him and let a few tears spill, Ben sobbed and sobbed. I gave him the baby and the nurse said he could take him back to the room while they finished up. The rest of surgery, I was again just starring away. Numb to everything.

They gave Ben the baby and told him he could take him back to the room, he wasn't expecting that. He describes it as the longest walk down a quiet hall just holding him and crying non stop. When he came into the room my parents were there holding each other and saw him. He lost it and just started to fall to his knees. They got on either side and helped him and both just held him and looked at the baby. Ben says the mask around his face was just soaked and his glasses just covered in tears. So he removed them and just looked at him. The nurse came in and asked if they wanted him to have a bath and Ben agreed that would be nice. He had my Mom do it, and thats when she cried the hardest, but she said it was nice being able to do something for Logan.

When I was in recovery, I still wasn't clear on too much. I just talked to Ben, to my Mom, held Logan more. When I came back to the room, I didn't sleep much, talked to my family more, my Dad. But it was just lots of quiet. A couple times I would start crying, but Ben would calm me instantly, he had a magic touch, without him I would've probably gone crazy. The next morning my Mom called my sibblings and told each of them what happend. They were all hit hard with the news, shocked and so sad. I didn't think about how such a loss effects so many, they all had plans and hopes with him too, and never expected this. They came over right away.

Michelle came in the room with a sense of excitment at first, she said "Mom! You're in the hopsital!! What did you have???" I tried keeping it cool, but couldn't really look at her. Ben brought the baby over to a chair and sat. She shricked with joy and climbed in Ben's lap, she called Scarlett over who started saying "Baby baby" Michelle held him with great joy but kept sensing our saddness. She caught on to the fact that something wasn't right. But she still loved that time with him.

Each of my sibblings held him. The moment he was in their arms they would break, true saddness, a true sense of missing someone you were dying to know. I wouldn't stop crying, for the first time, I really sobbed. They left shortly after and Ben and I held eachother close.

We had a professional photo service take pics, since it was free. I felt strange about the idea when I heard of cases like this before. But in that moment you realize you will only have these pics to remember this baby. So we took some, I was so out of it I dont remember much. I'm scared to see how I'll look.

Two things I do remember clearly that first day...

One my Dr saying she came close to having to remove my uterus, and was afriad I was going to be one out of three patients she ever lost...the other two from preeclampsia as well. But that having more kids...I will get the illness every time she is certain.

Two was the bishop who came by that night, who when I expressed my deep desire to be a Mom but am afraid to continue said I have no idea what the Lord has in store for me and to grieve my loss for my Logan and that one day I will know what to do when it comes to more children.

That night I woke up crying more often since I was slowly coming off meds. It would be spurts, both my Mom and Ben took turns distracting me and calming me. I kept waking up thinking...OH! bad dream! Logans fine! Reality would hit me every time, and all the excitemnt and plans I made would fad each time. It was so hard, one of the hardest feelings I've ever felt.

There was also the pain of recovery. I was the hardest c-section out of the three. The most pain yet, that meds wouldn't completely numb me of. The hardest thing was knowing I had no real drive this time like I had before, I had my girls yes, but I knew I'd be coming home to more hard times, vs. going through the pain and looking forward to fresh beginnings and a new baby. So it made every pain 10x worse.

I also have twinges where my uturus is going back with cramping and such, but at times it feels like him. It feels like little kicks and I forget, I completely forget its not him and I start to touch my stomach like I always did when he would kick. In those moments I cry each time.

I had Michelle come up one more time to say goodbye, she doesn't know thats what it was, but she had a final moment where we explanied he was too sick to go home and that Heavenly Father wanted him safe in heaven, but that she would see him again there. When she left Ben and I took that time to say goodbye. When I gave him a final kiss, thats what did it. I couldn't breath, the tears stung. The nurses came in, Ben held on to me and I had probably a good 15 min breakdown. I was hyperventalating, and holding on to Ben so tight. I thought I was going to black out it was so horrible. Having him there in my arms, feeling him so clearly a day or so ago, having so many plans and them changing is hard. But I know there is a reason for it, I may not know what it is yet, but I will one day. That faith got me through.

I was released after only a couple days and stayed with my parents during the rest of the week. The medication is horrible. I would have hallucinations, and terrible nightmares. Something I went through with Scarlett, but this has been so much worse. The first night I woke up and couldn't hear or see and found myself outside...yeah, its horrible. My parents both found me wandering in the house freaking out. So I've taken myself off some of the meds that just made things worse, meaning I feel more pain but at least my mind isn't in some sort of hell trap! Other hard moments where just preparing for the funeral, something we thought we would never have to do at our age. I wanted to pick out his outfit to be buried in, and when I was surrounded by all those baby thing for the first time, having been shopping for those things just a week ago caused me to break down big time. I thought I'd be strong enough, but it will still take time.

Having my daughters with me brought me happiness, smiles, laughter. Watching them play together and laugh so hard at the smallest things bring Ben and I great joy. We know that Logan is part of all those moments as well. Any future trips, any family events, any memories, we will have a son carried with us. And that is an amazing feeling. He needed a body and that was it. How special he must be, how great of a mission he must have in heaven. I don't have to worry about him. And Ben brought me great comfort in sharing that at least he was taken this way and not some accident or other horrible tragedy, Heavenly Father knew we could take this and learn from it. In a way Logan's greatest accomplishment here was bringing my family so much closer together and gave us this new found strength. He will be a push into another amazing direction for us. We have been through so much, and this trial above all is something that will bring us blessings beyond belief, I know that.

We will miss him, but we know we will see him again. This is something we won't let take over and keep us from living. We will grieve and then continue on and find out what is in store for us.

We love you always Logan! Our son! See you again one day baby!